"We are distracted from many things in life by fear, which stops us penetrating into places where the heart wants to go. Not to be scared and to be faithful to oneself calls for real courage. The heroes... are truly brave: they are afraid but they surpass themselves and aim at that place where there is no room for fear."
* The entry below was written on Tuesday, July 30th.
I realized just how important it is to realize the small pockets of beauty that we have in our lives. I finally get the old adage to: "Stop and smell the Roses". Far too many of us are so stressed out by our lives that we don't realize that we aren't living them but are truly just going through the motions of doing so. I think that I fall into that category much of the time.
I went outside for just a bit to gather my thoughts and to just breathe for a minute. I went over to the new flower garden, and to just peer at the beauty of the flowers sent a certain calmness my way. I just stood and took in the majesty of the flora. From where I stood, I looked around at all that I had been doing the past month and a half and how with just a little faith, and lots of effort, I had begun the transformation of my backyard into the beginnings of a long held dream.
While gazing at the flowers I thought of my mother. My mother loved flowers but was always afraid that she couldn't or didn't have the know how to do certain things. She projected that realm of fear on to me and to my siblings. There was very little encouragement for us to try new things, to take chances, or to just live. Most of my memories of my mother are of her being sad, scared, and unhappy.. This was her lot in life up until her death, last November. My heart ached that this was all she knew about life. Somedays, it still does. I know and always knew that this wasn't and isn't what I want for myself, or my own children.
Sure, I'm a novice and most of the things that I have done have been done from the seat of my pants. But I know that I would rather not know what I am doing and still go for it, than to just think about it. I want to reap the small surprises that come from my efforts. I am no longer satisfied to to remain just an observer through my thoughts, wishes, and dreams.
From early childhood I have always had a lot of responsibility placed upon my shoulders. I have always had to make the best decisions, the right decisions. So many other people have always depended on me. It meant always having to be on, to stay on top of things, to always be in control. But if nothing else, this garden has taught me that I can't control everything or make everything alright. That sometimes no matter how much care and effort you put into things, sometimes they just won't grow, they just won't thrive. So you have to count your losses, take the lesson and re-plant.
Gardening/Farming/Homesteading, whatever you call it can be an arduous trek, but but you won't find one more fulfilling.Sometimes it can be overwhelming, sometimes you ask yourself; "What was I thinking?" But mostly, you are in awe of the beautiful bounty that rests only a few steps from your reach. Such is the same for life.
As I stared at my flower bed, my vegetables, which I consider my "little pockets of peace", I am reminded of the importance of clinging to the simple things, and remembering that sometimes we can fail to see the blessings because we are so focused on the bigger burdens. I am reminded that I have to fight tooth and nail to find the small pleasures, even when the larger, more unpleasant things loom. I just want to be happy, and to find peace. I'm not looking for an easy life, but I am going to require of myself, to promise myself that I build a a life that is full of the things that are important to me. I have neglected doing that for long enough. I think I owe it to myself.