he turns his back on it and starts to wither away."
~ Gene Rodenberry~
I am still in a deeply reflective mood. There is so much that I want to share. Yesterday, I took a break between classes to write in my paper journal. There are several things that have been weighing heavily on my mind.
Writing has always been a catharsis for me. It is a way for me to get feedback and to take a second look at my thoughts.
One thought I have been tooling around with is the difference betwen people actually "living" their dreams and those that only "talk" about it. What was it that put them on the road to their desires and kept them there? There are some people that don't have a lot of money, yet, they are living what I like to think of as a "defined" life. They knew what they wanted and were not willing to to let anything stop them from achieving it. I wonder if it all boils down to "choices?" Are some willing to give up things that will propel them to their life goals while other are not? Does it have to do with what one deems as important?
If we are truly honest, how many of us "say" that we want to live a certain way yet our actions prove otherwise? How many of us just don't want to do the work or make the sacrifices, yet convince ourselves that we are actually doing the best that we can ? How many are willing to admit that they are really, only doing the best that they are "willing" to do? There is a big difference between the two. And usually this keeps us right where we are; stuck in the lane of "Dreams Deferred".
So I suppose we have to REALLY seek what it is that brings us the most pleasure. Would we rather have "things" or would we rather own our homes outright? Do we really deserve that vacation after a stressful year or would an emergency fund be more prudent? Choices.
When I look back over my own life, I realize that some events took place which contributed to making my goals more "difficult" to reach, But, I made the "choice" to give up on a lot of the things that I wanted to accomplish, or filed them under "impossible". I still have to sometimes drag myself kicking and screaming past this mindset. But now, I am willing to acknowledge that my "choices" will still serve to make the difference between my success and my failure. Now, I want to know what I was not willing to do before, that I need to do now to make things happen.
After careful meditation, I realize that I need to get to really know "me". I no longer need to know the person that was manufactured based on what other people thought or think I should be. From early childhood, I was never allowed to be an "individual". I grew up in a home where a "Cookie Cutter" persona was expected. I was told what I should do, how I should do it, who I should become, and how I should go about it. Any sign of individuality was stifled and labeled rebellion. So I "built" the person that I was told I should be from the blueprint given me. I have allowed "that" person to usurp my existence for far too long. I feel it is time for that person to hand back over control, and that I become the rightful ruler of my life.
I always thought that "simplicity" was the secret elixir that I needed in order to be happy. But I was wrong. While simplicity is one of the strongest elements, alone it is powerless. I first have to build a strong internal foundation. I have to work from the inside out. It will mean taking chances, and making mistakes. Maybe a LOT of mistakes. It will mean facing my fears. It might mean risking being thought of as foolhardy, or unreasonable. But if what I want is worth it to me, then I will have to accept these possibilities without contest. I realize now that I can be frugal, aspire to homestead, live off the land, whatever, but if if don't have that internal peace first, none of those things will make the least bit of difference.
For 47 years, I have made the "choice" to do it everyone's way except my own. I think some adjustments are in order. I have made the choice. I think I am long overdue. Till next time...