Friday, January 9, 2009

"On The Mend"

















School started on Wednesday for me and the routine begins. The past few weeks have been somewhat hectic, and quite emotionally draining.


My sister was finally laid to rest last month, the holidays ended(Thank God) and I had to really push myself to get back to where I needed to be. I didn't want to go back to school. I didn't think that I could handle it. I just wanted to go somewhere and rest and lick my wounds and not have to deal with much of anything. Unfortunately, my life does not allow for such luxuries so I sucked it up and got past the hardest door to exit; my own.



I decided to scale back on classes rather than not continue, to concentrate on what gives me the most difficulty and to take things from there. I had to set some limits for myself lest I become undone.


I went back and forth with the decision but made a decision based on what is right for me for a change. Not what others might feel is right for me. I have been riding on that train for too long now. It is time to get on another track. "My" track. That means that while I will always continue to be open for suggestions,when it comes to the final decision, I am going to listen to my own voice for a change. I will listen to my own body and learn not to doubt myself or to think that anyone else knows what is best for me. I plan to no longer be so easily moved or swayed to believe that a path that might work for someone else is the one that I should also follow. It will mean not always being so nice and non-combative. I have taught people how to treat me and now I will have to re-teach them. They will be told when they do or say something to me that I don't feel is acceptable. I feel that if I can respect them and their choices I should be given the same respect. Those that don't like those terms can find their way out of my life. I won't miss them.



I need to heal, and rebuild, and renew, and grow and move forward. I have spent a lot of years of my life both caring for and worrying about both my mother and my sister. They are both gone now and no longer need looking after. I can work my way towards relinquishing the guilt of wondering if I was doing enough or if I could have done more. I need to know turn that level of concern to myself so that I can be a better mother for my children and a better friend to those that I hold dear.



So yeah, I am on the mend. It is a slow process and I plan to take as much time as I need to make sure that I heal properly.


It is always the simple things that seem to help my soul to soar. So I plan to stick as close to them as humanly possible.


For instance, today started off very cold in the morning but now the sun is out and the air is warm. I decided to take advantage of it and to hang out my laundry instead of using the dryer. Just getting out there and doing something as mundane as that reminded me that I am on the right track. Most people would scoff at that, but I find it invigorating. I am of the variety that doesn't need diamonds or pearls to make them happy. Ok, maybe not diamonds, because I do have some Pearls that I simply love, but I digress. The point is, sometimes the smaller and the simpler the better. And usually these simpler things are always gems in and of themselves.Those are the things that I want my life surrounded by.


So as the weekend approaches there are things to do that will get done, but I'm not going to beat myself up over them if they don't. One day at a time. 24 hour compartments. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Till next time...

7 comments:

jp17 said...

Healing is a slow process but glad to hear that for you the mending has begun. One day/moment at a time.

City Mouse said...

Glad you're up and at 'em, and that so many of your thoughts are on good things. Be well and take care. And thanks for the update!

Martha said...

Sure sounds like you are on the right track! So glad you are on the mend.

earth heart said...

I spent a little time this evening reading over your last few posts. I am sorry for the news on your sister and I, too associate specific holidays with similar memories. I have found over the years though, that eventually the shadow of death lightens up.

I am applauding you for your decision to live life on your own terms. I that's truly the only way to live. I think we are a lot alike. I would love to sit with you at the kitchen table over a pot of coffee or tea and simply talk. I think we'd enjoy some philosophical conversation, share some common bonds and just enjoy the camaraderie. :)

Take care of yourself.

Solitary Dancer said...

Well said, my friend. Each day will bring you closer inline to who you want to become.

You will reach your goals as long as you keep them in sight.

Glad to see you back, my friend

deb

Juli said...

I wish words could convey more and be felt. I do think getting out your own door is indeed the most difficult, I'm glad you made it thru :)

Akannie said...

I just found your blog, dear one...I read back to November. I hope you find the peace that resides in finding your own way and listening to your own still small voice.

Bless your heart...I could relate to so much of what you have written. Thank you.